Warning: Stream of Consciousness Post ahead....
So there's a question that I asked myself earlier today, that I think I finally have an answer to. The answer is, “I don't know, but I want to find out.” The question is, “What do I want?”
I don't want to repeat the past, but it seems at a point, you might be endangering the future if you dwell on the past too much. And I think I'm about at that point. At some point, you just gotta tell yourself, “LET IT GO!”
I have often times discovered that when presented with a problem, the best thing to do is not to focus all of your attention on the problem at hand, but rather do something to let your mind wander. Without actively engaging the problem, the solution frequently surfaces on its own. I was reading tonight, and came across the following: “A little faith can do wonders, Captain. A little faith.” When I read that, a thought struck. Maybe I just don't have enough faith in myself. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I just need to let go, and see if the problem will solve itsself.
So, “What do I want?” That's a tough question to answer. Let's start out with the general. What do I want out of life? What is the point of it all? First and foremost, I want to be happy. Okay great, but what does that really mean? Am I happy now? In general, no. I'm content. Close to happy, but not quite. I'm most certainly not unhappy. So that is good. Why am I not happy? I feel like I'm standing still again. At least I'm not going backwards this time. Actually, let me change my story. Lets put the frame of reference back a couple weeks (because, the catalyst for all of this is because of the last couple of weeks!).
Anyhow, what do I want? I want a good job. Why? So I can do the thigns I love to do. I'm extremely happy with my job (with the exception of the on-call duty, which really is the only part of my job i truly dislike). Why do I need a job though? It allows me to do what I want to do. Whatever that may be. Lately, that has been to go down to Tucson every few days. What else do I want? Need? Well, Honestly, I want to fall in love. I know it sounds sick, but I do. And why is that? That's because I want a family. I want people around me who I unconditionally love, and who unconditionally love me. Is that so much to ask for? Isn't that what we all really want?
Well, why the hell don't I have that? What am I doing wrong? Am I too picky? Am I too hard on myself? Do I not try hard enough? Where is the breakdown here?
As you may or may not know, I DON'T DATE! I hate dating. There is too much social pressure. In my opinion, it is a waste of time. All dating does is spend money. Therefore, even when I have a “date” it's not a date. I DON'T DATE. I hang out. Why? Because when I find that special someone that I'm looking for, do I want her to be a “date?” No. I want her to be my best friend. The best friend I've EVER had. Someone I'm not afraid to be *ME* around. Someone I'm not afraid to tell *EVERYTHING* to. Someone I am comfortable around, no matter what situation surrounds us. This is why I don't date.
So, have I ever found anyone that I've been that comforatable around? Yes. And what happened? I fell madly, deeply, truly in love. It didn't work. She broke my heart. I slid into a deep, scary depression.
Will I ever find someone else that I'm that comfortable around? Yes. When? The scary thing is, I think I've already found her. I keep saying that all my red-flags have gone off, and that I've overcome them. And I have. And yet, I still think they are going off all the time. WHY? Why won't they leave me alone?
Which brings me back to: Maybe I just don't have enough faith in myself. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I just need to let go, and see if the problem will solve itsself.